God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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