I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
