The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
