I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
