dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
