I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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