I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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