He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
