i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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