Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
