i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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