I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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