That's when you crack a 10am beer
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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