I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
