I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
