There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
