I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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