i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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