wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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