She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
