I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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