ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
