In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
