I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you traded sex for a burrito?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
