I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
organizing the empties. That sober.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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