I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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