there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
