I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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