I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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