areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
