Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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