I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
