My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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