had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
