you're like a bully in the Christmas story
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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