I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You can't just leave with hair like that
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
