there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
