I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?