I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!