like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason