The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
tell your sister to shave her snatch
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
