i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
