Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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