So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
