its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
