youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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