Your mouth is God's brothel.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.