it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i just had sex bonerless
my sisters under your porch take her home
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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