I wish I only lived at night.
My pussy is not your playground.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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