I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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