My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
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so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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