Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
