I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
