New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
