Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My bed is full of blood and feathers
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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