I want to walk on stilts...naked
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
