That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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