i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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