Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
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If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
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well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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