I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
